I'm just always preoccupied with how meaningless life feels to me. I mean I just can't stop asking myself "What's the point?" Everything sounds so intolerably boring to me, even things I used to like, even love doing. I need to get back into therapy I know, but I'm so self conscious about it especially when my parents are around. They don't really "believe", for lack of a better term, in the concept of mental illness and I really think they feel like going to therapy is an admission of failure in some way. I have had two major failures in the past 5 years and they have really had a terrible affect on me. I failed at my first real job and decided to take the "You can't fire me I quit" approach. I think it was very soon after that I gave up on my dreams. After a couple years I tried going back to grad school and writing my MS thesis, but since I had basically given up on my dream of being a professor it was a nightmare. I failed my thesis defense back in April and have let the deadline to try again fly right on by. I was making the edits they wanted but my e-mail exchanges with them were less than encouraging, they seemed underwhelmed by the new data I was trying to incorporate into my thesis so... I just quit trying. I have given up, but I want to "ungiveup", if that makes any sense. I'm just rambling now so I'll shut up.