I've spent my whole life depressed and suicidal. I began feeling suicidal when I was in the fourth grade and told myself I would probably kill myself by the time I turned 17. I had a very happy childhood, no abuse, I was depressed and no one else knew. But I wasn't depressed 100% of the time, which confused me. One day I felt like dying and the next day I was so happy I could throw a party. When I moved to a new city to start middle school is when my depression came to an extreme low that never seemed to end, with still alternating days of "up". I acted out a lot and my mom and I were always at each others throats, sometimes spending days not speaking to each other. It got worse as I entered high school. I'd skip school to spent the day crying. When I began cutting my wrists at 17 my parents finally decided to take me to therapy. It didn't help much, rejecting many counselors, and my mom and I went to DBT group therapy which was horrible.

When I was 18 I was put on an antidepressant. Within two months I was hospitalized as a 5150, completely delusional. I spent three weeks in a teen psych facility and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was then at my diagnosis when I realized who I was and that I could have power over my own life. At the time of my diagnosis I was so drugged that I was literally a walking zombie, and my parents thought I wouldn't be able to graduate high school, and my motivation was to prove them wrong. Even though most of my reasoning and ability to make clear decisions was gone because of the meds, I was able to pass my classes and walk with my graduating class. After I had overcome the obstacle of graduating high school, my next obstacle was to go off meds, which even though I later learned that I could never go off meds, I became more and more motivated to better myself as a person.

My biggest obstacle to overcome so far was how I viewed myself and my self-esteem. For most of my life, I hated who I was and what I looked like and whenever something went wrong, even from the tiniest of things, I would spend the whole day, hours and hours, of telling myself horrible things and that I was a horrible person. So when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I learned that I had control over who I was and who I could be, that I wasn't a monster, that there was a reason for my bad behavior, and that I could not only get help, but that I could help myself. I had to train myself to be kinder. Whenever I messed up and started talking badly, I stopped myself mid-thought and replaced it with, "No, you are not ugly or a bad person. You are beautiful and a good person." I had to tell myself that many, many times a day. It took months and months of retraining my brain to stop putting myself down and reminding myself that I am beautiful and a good person, and it took a year or so before I started truly believing it. I worked really hard on my social skills. I worked on my relationship with my mom, and I worked closely with my parents to monitor my symptoms. It became a turning point for me because even though I relied on my parents, I was constantly monitoring my moods and thoughts and letting my parents and counselors know how I was feeling and thinking which kept me aware of my symptoms and what was normal or not normal, and I learned how to communicate openly and not to be afraid to speak up.

I stopped cutting shortly after getting help, and I hadn't cut for four years until I had couple "accidents" due to a broken heart and stress from work. Even though antidepressants caused my manic episode, I went on one for six months without symptoms until I realized I didn't need them, and then I am back on the same antidepressants now and feeling better.

My life now is just like any other normal college girl's. I go out on dates, I've expanded my social circles, and my relationship with my parents are really close. Whenever I have a problem, I speak openly about it. For the past two years I've felt really happy. I love myself instead of loathe myself. For the past two years I've had my meds dialed in and I work closely with my psych and counselor. I'll always be on medications, and I'll always be alternating from mania to depression, but that's just part of who I am and I'm okay with that.