I wish you saw what I saw, these people are just mean. I am saying that yes those situations happen, and usually results them being my friend for whatever reason. Not a big deal, most of the time when I spell it out. The laugh at me, because I don't look like that guy over their who fits their description.

Like it's very hurtful all the time, I'm not associating with anything to the point I'm always passed up no matter how hard I throw myself in the window breaking the glass and setting off explosions. It's like they don't notice me, and when they do they get very cold hearted about it.

I just want to quit. I am doing a serious effort in chiseling my body and starving myself it's working. I'm getting looks for once, but in all honesty. I find this all to be redundant. I here all these stories from my close friends of situations I was there and some I wasn't and they always get laid. I'm the one who gets left out. I find it sad, my friends will leave me out when girls come around it's a guy thing I know and it's human, but jesus. It's like I'm always passed up because I don't know this person and I don't know that person. I mean my silver tongue skills get me somewhere, but the brick wall is some silly excuses and just being flat out ignored for the dumbest reasons.

It's like I am stuck in a place of people who just want to hurt me and make me an excuse to be alive. Jesus I have gone mad, because I don't talk to people anymore, I am just getting ignored and feeling like I don't exist. I make people laugh and happy and go out my way to be around people, but they never do it for me. So I thought if I stopped trying they would come, nope never has happened once. I even stopped for 6 months no one has attempted to ask how I was doing or if I was ok.

I seriously wish I was a pretty girl. I wish people just notice me for my looks and see me as something approachable no fancy attire. No bubbly happy personality nor down to heart good friendly nature will get me anywhere. I can say I like you, I can flirt and be all the rage on that, but it's like I'm stuck with this weird scenario that I'm forced to be shut down and I'm so dissociated from my stress of general life. All I want to do, is just make a scene not because I'm feeling like to be immature. I can't distinguish reality anymore. I never connect with people, more rather I fear them, hate them, despise them, but I can't live without them. I got so badly abused and destroyed for all my life in many traumatic things back to back. It's either I'd be impersonal and detached or I'm freaking out, because I can't like anyone. I suppress it when I really like someone and go out my way, but it's so hard and difficult. I don't even want something huge either, just a ****ing friend is all I need. Like God, it's too much to ask.

I suffer from loneliness I don't talk about my problems and fear about saying what's bothering me ever in public and with my "friends". It's like I have to be so happy or else I'm a freak and no one should love me type of attitude. I lost so many friends, because they never understood. That I was dead in a coma 3 times the past 4 years. They never realize, I lost my daughter from an abusive ex who aborted her, but I'm glad she isn't suffering though. I am afraid if my mom dies, I will definitely be so alone. I will just end it immediately, like I just don't have patience to form any bond anymore. I can't do it, because it's beyond painful. It's so painful, because my rapist as a child destroyed what trust I had told me the only way I could be loved is being put in the dirt to be picked back up to be punched in the face and treated like crap for my own good so I can be strong. Then anyone else I wanted to feel safe, always destroyed me as much as they can. I can't do it!

Many days I just want to die, because I know it's inevitable and I don't want to do this stuff anymore. Like I'm really good at talking to people, but I hate doing it. I'm better than most of my friends, but I can't get what I want and need from people. I can't help it, my brain has like a constant backflow of confusion and my thoughts are never in order. I have PTSD, DID, Schizoaffective disorder, possibly schizophrenia, Psychosis NOS, Major Depressive, Body Dsymorphic is literally my diagnosis sheet.

I'm like not just one of those very extreme abuse cases. It's like I can't get closure, because the people I needed when I needed them the most every time in my life were never there and it's like I can't trust anyone. I hate everyone, because they never helped me. They constantly push me around when I just wanted a hug, I never had anyone tell me how much they cared. All the time since I was a very young child I wanted to die so young. It's like I'm just waiting to die and it's too much at times.

It's so hard to do the simplest things and I hate how my body just shuts down at a moments notice.

I really do care, it's just I'm never acknowledged as me, I show me, but people don't understand it. I'm saying, because people never understand what I'm talking about even my mom and dad. Everyone, it's so hard for me to describe anything. It's like no matter how hard I do it I can't in person.

I've done everything with coping 24/7 and dating is like not ever going to happen it's a far fetched dream. I only care about getting laid, just because my libido is out of control. I don't have any oxytocin feelings in my body. It's like I'm so deprived, I really don't know what it feels like to feel safe and comforted even in a false sense. I know you think that's bs and not backed up, but it is. My chemical imbalance is a very very high dopamine levels which caused my coma and stuff like oxytocin is not even there. I saw brain scans and have been told by a medical professional for my neuro problems.

It's like so infuriating when I can't do the things everyone else can do. I don't let it stop me, but it's so frustrating. I'm seriously handicapped in some way and I can't get out. It's not changed to a result to my liking to no matter what I do. I just don't think this is for me. I'd rather people come up to me than me going to them, but I doubt that would happen.