People fault me for things I can't control and it's why I don't like talking to people for anything even my own parents. It's a chore than actually getting validated for once. My sister treats me like dirt because of this, she intentionally made my friends call me "retarded" all the time and she knows better I'm not, but convinced all these people in her friends group and mine that I'm retarded.

It's like you can't escape this ****, it's like no matter how hard you try. It's better off I don't have my vocal chords, I can't put my words in to play how I want to. How I am charismatic is my confidence and genuine sensitivity to things, and very good at picking up cues, but when it comes to the words and the content. I should get an F. I'm not a person who makes up stuff or bs's like some of my friends say, it's just so hard to verbalize for example what anything is. I'm very bad at descriptions and condensing it. If I try to make my sentences smaller and easier to read or no more paragraphs. My brain just goes bonkers, it's like it's blank, nothing is there and I can't do anything about it. Like there is no activity going on in areas that should make it easier and others just go crazy like my imagination, anxiety now, and stuff like hallucinations and delusions. It's a constant uphill battle, when you live your life in an Drug Trip even when I don't do drugs often or even seldom anymore. It was there all my life, and it's like I can't leave this mental hell.

I see monsters in public places, I see horrifying faces, and beautiful people that don't exist. I had people talk to me and they never were there before. It's so hard to explain it, because others don't have it. And you are stuck in this forever trapped fantasy prison. It feels so detached from what everyone else has to take for granted. I wish I was like not ever having to see and hear things 24/7 and feel things and feeling like I'm dying all the time when I'm not. Never knowing when I'm awake or asleep. Never understanding anything anymore. It's like I'm trapped in existential hell and everyone is mad and crazy and out to hurt me by fooling me all the time in every way possible.

Being called crazy speaking my mind, and doing anything is purely hell to me, because people persecuted me, shunned me and beat me for it before. I got neglected and thrown out into very bad situations from people taking advantage of it to drug me. Last year that happened and I was left to die on the side of the road. I didn't know what was going on before, then I woke up realized I was in a coma and barely conscious enough to realize I am experiencing hypothermia, because it was 29 degrees and a windchill of -14 outside. No snow, but it was cold very cold.

My brain constantly runs, it never sleeps. Only on weed, it stops it's like it's silent and I'm just living the moment, but other than that. Like always my brain never forgets anything, it's like I can't forget things my brain is like always going crazy it never calms down once. I can't do anything about it, no matter when I'm stressed calm or out of touch it's always moving.

I'm always suffering, and I just want to die to be put out of this misery. I get so scared of people feeling like they are all imposters and they are apart of a simulation to trick me to trust them just to improve myself so they don't hurt me. It's like my mom was never my mom, after waking up from my coma it happened like this, my psychosis took a whole new low and I literally lost my mind since then worse then it's ever had. It gives me nightmarish scenarios being put in a hospital being beaten and abused till I'm old and frail. I die looking out a small window from a hospital bed on tubes and have no one to see me or visit me because I don't have anyone at that point.

I truly fear that so much, that sometimes I want to run away now and hide from people, because I'm afraid they'll do this to me. I'm truly afraid of people really trying to hurt me. I'm really really scared of anyone. I'm so scared of being forced and tied down, it's happened to me before and I'm so scared of it again. I'm so scared of being in small spaces and being clausterphobic really easy, because I don't do being trapped in any way well. I'm experiencing it now, and having a major panic attack.

It's like everyone wants to push me in this box, I'm trying to work with what they say and get out, but it's like I'm not able to do it and it's feels unnattainable and it feels like people want to trap me in my biggest fears.

I can't type anymore this is unbearable now.