>> - needing help but don't know how to ask or know what WILL help

That is a tough one. Maybe sometimes you just need someone to be there or too listen. It is hard to ask when you don't know what you need. If you have people willing to help, maybe you can just tell them you don't know what you need and work on things together that might be helpful? That in alone might help.

>> - letting people down. I know people want to help, but I push people away (dont know why)

That is not you, that is depression. Isolation is a strong and terrible symptom. There isn't necessarily a reason, sometimes that is just how it is.

It is a harmful symptom though, and one worth fighting to get past. If there are people you can trust and explain to them what the urge to isolate yourself is like, they won't have to worry about interpreting "mixed signals". Just forcing yourself to call one or two people regularly can help, try to establish a habit when you feel that way as a reflex to call someone.

>> - being sick - mentally and physically

You can't be sorry for that. It is something that happened to you, not something that you did. Once again, it is depression that makes us feel that we are somehow "responsible"... plus sometimes uninformed opinions from the general public. We know better, ignore them.

>> - making people feel bad when im sick

You can't "make" people feel bad. They feel bad because they love you, in which case (and I firmly believe this) it attaches them more firmly to the spirit and state of humanity. An opportunity to understand and to help and to have a connection is one of the greatest gifts, maybe the greatest gift, that results from sentience.

On a side note, depression robs us of that gift, keeps it wrapped and hidden under the tree with firm instructions that we are not to access it. Hence the extreme suffering that depression causes.

Some people may feel "bad" because they don't want to be bothered with other people's problems. They are cutting themselves off from this gift voluntarily. Feel sorry for them.

>> - for being trouble

See above. It is up to the person helping to set limits. You and they should be able to work together and with other friends to make sure your needs don't completely disrupt their lives, unless that is their choice because you are so important to them. People are responsible for their own limits, and for communicating them to you without making you feel guilty. Of course depression is going to make you feel guilty anyway. Recognize that as a symptom of the illness and not as a personal failing.

>> - scaring parents with kids when I cough

Kids are going to pick up more bugs while climbing the monkey bars and licking each other than from your coughs. You may be more likely to pick up something from them than they from you. I can understand a parent wanting to protect their children but as long as you use common courtesy (you don't go into their face and cough on them, do you?) I can't see it really being a problem.

>> - being such a downer

You are not a downer. Depression is a downer. Its like a person saying "I know I have Diabetes, but I'm sorry that my blood sugar is so low today."

Or an even better example, from The Golden Girls, when Blanche discovers her brother is gay, she has a hard time with it but eventually accepts it. Then he comes back to town intending to marry another man that he met, and Blanche has her fears triggered all over again. "I know he's gay, but does he have to sleep with men? Aren't there any homosexuals that sleep with women?" To which Dorothy replies "They do Blanche. They're called lesbians." (Bea Arthur had all the best lines on that show .

>> - being out of control

Being out of control is out of your control. Can't be "sorry" for that because it is something that happens, not something you do.

>> - the need to punish myself

Look over the above and try to convince yourself that there is no need to punish yourself for ANYTHING.

>> - taking up space

Yes, you take up space. I can't think of any better use for the space you occupy.

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