I have been posting a lot here how I don't understand why my mental state has been worse since my dx about a year ago. After thinking about it and talking with my husband I finally figured out why.

It isn't worse- it's just that now I have stopped faking it and pretending I am fine. Him and my folks always knew I have had depression and take meds etc., but they never knew the extent of it. Most of my depression showed as anger instead of anything else even though inside I just wanted to die or disappear. Then there were a few years I self medicated and when I told my husband at the time he wondered how that had started out of the blue. And when after my dx I finally gave in to my emotions and after my breakdown a few months ago he wondered how those happened out of the blue.

He kept saying how he couldn't understand where all this was coming from after 17 years. I figured it out- I have been living in hiding all these years and now that I've let the genie out of the bottle it's hard for those around me. Also hard for me bc I am finally allowing myself to feel things and feeling things is a lot harder than faking it.

I should have kept faking. I seem to cry a LOT more now. I never had depression breakdowns before- I was so good at hiding. Now I can't seem to escape my emotions.