Quote:
Originally Posted by nevertheless002
Hi,
(just venting, attention seeking> disregard if neccessary)
I would like to share this "issue" with You.
I am in psychotherapy for almost 9 months. I am 20.
Most of my life, I ve been trying to face my trouble with motivation. I was playing computer games a lot (escape mechanism), since I was 10 until I stopped completely in 19, before I got into therapy.
As I was 15-16 I was trying to figure out what is the purpose of life... what is the meaning right?? Why do I walk the earth, right?
Now I am 20 and I keep having these thoughts and deep feelings of no motivation.
I feel as if I have to stay alive only to not hurt anyone else by stopping to breathe. Then there are some pleasent feelings and happiness that last some time....... oh now I got a sudden feeling: I want to keep living to validate and appreciate those feelings of happiness that my T has given to me. It seems, I only want to vent here... I am alone for 3 weeks, without my T, I feel alone, because she is the only person that I can let inside my heart and head. I feel sad, because I am a monster... ugh
write it down, they say... self-therapy, they say... hehe
|
Hey, here's what I think.
First off, you are really young, and have a lot of life left to live, even though you may not feel like there is or care for it. And, you're right about one thing - it doesn't make sense to live just for someone else. So, you need to find a reason to live for yourself.
Sounds like you haven't found your life goals yet, your purpose. Well, my friend, there are quite a few people in their 40s and even 50s who haven't found their purpose yet, so I'd say you have the age advantage.
If I were you, I guess I would pack my bags and just go tour the world for a year or two or ten ! Go find out what you like, what you hate, what you can and cannot do, your strengths and weaknesses.
It seems like a huge task right now, and maybe it is, but the only way you will figure this one out is by getting out there and living a lot of life ! Give it 10 years ... when you're 30, I'm willing to bet you'll have a much better idea of who you are and what you want out of life.
FYI, I was also suicidal at 20 (I'm 31 now), and back then, I didn't know anything about the world. I'm glad I at least got to know the world a bit before deciding whether or not to continue. I hope you'll do the same.
It's up to you ultimately, but please don't take your own life blindfolded and without knowing what's out there.