Guess not. I don't want to live anymore. I end up trying to hide just like I've always done. So anxious. Meds don't help. I guess I should explain.

Does it matter if I explain though?

I'll just be told to go to the doctor again. Go see my psychiatrist! "You mean the guy that just left town?" Yes him. Wait. No I got a new doc now. I'm so anxious. "I can tell, you're trembling. You're also talking to yourself." Ah yeah I'm cold and shaking but more from the anxiety. Why am I anxious. Well my cousin has come over today and I just don't want to go out. My dad is embarrassing me. My mom is embarrassing me. I don't want to exist anymore.

This 12 year old is pitying me. I'm practically 10 years older and this guy is pitying me. I feel a mix of shame. He comes to my room first thing and he's like "what are you doin?" I lie and say "Oh. Hi. Didn't know you were here." His parents and grandma came over too. I'm like oh. I go out and sit on the couch trying not to be noticed. *Invisible* Of course my parents try to encourage interaction. "Come out and socialize!"

Eventually I hide away.

The 12 year old starts trying to small talk me. "How are your friends." First question. He thinks I have no friends. *He's right!!* I respond, "They're fine I think." Haven't talked to them in over 3 years. "How's school?" I'm still not applied for classes. I of course lie again. "School is good." He then says oh okay, I'll just leave you here to your youtube and stuff." I was watching youtube stuff when he walked in.

I feel anxious and want to disappear. So in my room I'm hiding and feel ashamed. Uncomfortable from the anxiety. My dad comes in and he's like, "come out, take more meds if you have to." Take more meds? TAKE MORE MEDS! Of course the answer is obvious HAH more meds. I SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT! Oh wait already did. I can't take more meds. It doesn't work that way. Right? They aren't instant working. My meds being prozac and seroquel. I guess this is the first real test and I've been lying to myself that they were working. I thought they were working but when it comes to real socializing, I can't.

I'm being shamed for how I am.

I am ashamed of me. I guess I can try to hide in bed and hope they get the idea.

I feel like all my plans are impossible. I had plans but now slam everything that was hidden from me is again revealed. I thought I was winning but I guess not. I lose. I'm just some anxious guy that can't socialize with his own family. The worst thing is how I can't be helped. It all gets downplayed. "It's easy just talk!" The line repeated in my life over and over. I just have nothing to say. I get flustered. I get enraged. I get ashamed. Angry with myself. I can't live with myself. I may as well stop taking these meds.