Have you ever been afraid to do something simply because of the unknown factor? I have experienced a lot, and I am afraid to embark on a new journey because of the “known” as well. A nagging feeling in my head, a nervous feeling in my gut. I have a nasty habit of dooming things to failure before they have a chance to become something real; all because of my fear. When I was very young, I was often told that my behavior was unacceptable. I grew up and made a life for myself, but I still have an innate fear of criticism and ridicule. Perhaps those are my two worst fears. For many years, I have been made to think I am not good enough. I end up hiding away in reclusive style so as to minimize any exposure to that pain. I work hard daily, but then there is the issue of major depression. Depression rears its ugly head in such an unpredictable manner, that it can easily stop me in my tracks. At that point, I tend to believe all of the talk inside my head, and hold myself back; fearing once again that maybe I am not good enough. It is a painful catch-22 that always seems to dictate how I behave. I really don’t have anything to fear. I have made a decent living, I own a car, a house, I have a job and a daughter. I also have a divorce and a continuing recovery from drugs and alcohol. So if I am doing so well, why do I continue to fear? Why am I so hesitant to move forward? Why am I so resistant to change?

For starters, I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life. Now that I have lost because of some of those decisions, I am shy to try again. It has nothing to do with the people around me, it has everything to do with me. Is it selfishness? Maybe it is. Maybe I fear losing what I have managed to hold onto in loss. Maybe it would explain why I don’t have very many close friends. Do I push people away or do most people just see me as unapproachable? Whatever it is, I find it hard to function in a world that we live in today. I despise liars and infidelity. I am only in my mid-40’s, but I have an enormous intolerance to the younger generation. I feel like I am my own grandfather! Perhaps I don’t fit in to a world of liars and cheats; who would just as soon stab you as look at you. I want to get out there and live my life, but at what cost?