I wouldn't say you are necessarily off track.
I think its a lot of things.

Ill give you some more information:

I am becoming a therapist.
I reflect a lot.
I journal every day.
I read a lot of books on anxiety, attachment disorders, self esteem etc.

So I'm coming from a place of total awareness.

Imagine this.

Its as if I am a passenger in my body.

I am aware of how I feel.

I am aware of how I should feel.

I am aware of what emotions to act on and not act on.

In the past I was not a passenger, looking down upon my emotions and questioning them. they controlled me.

Its strange. having extreme self awareness. sometimes its utterly frustrating.

Its strange because i am hyper away of how I am feeling, why i am feeling it.

I know i feel the way way i feel because of my mother.

She was insecure. and projected that upon me.

couple that with the attachment style created by her parenting..

coupled with life events..

and you have someone who is extremely self aware..

knows he is amazing.

but looking down into himself. the reflection does not match.

its ****ing annoying..

I do know what mends the feelings..

Its obvious to me.

When i give into my protest behaviors and look for reasurance.

I start to feel content.

But its a never ending cycle of needing more more more more...

and it strangles my partner.

so i don't do that anymore

i just sit with my anxiety 24/7

its a dilemma

in the true matter of the word

there are two options

give in to using others for reassurance (which is self defeating because its a bottomless pit of need)

or stop asking for reassurance and feel anxiety all the time

so i guess either way i feel anxious.

lol thats messed up.

its a fake reprieve.

well.. its all based off a falsity anyway.. as I'm looking to reassure something that shouldn't need to be reassured.

I mean. Im ****ing awesome (coming from someone who is struggling with self esteem issues)

yet i don't feel that way

strangeness

but yes reasurrance is the ugly tool that feeds me