Guilloche - thanks for reminding me, I'm supposed to go in there and grieve and talk emotionally about not having the family I wanted, about my crazy mother and my absent drunk father. I, like you, kinda want to quit. I think I'm angry now, that I have this strong attachment to another person who is fake and absent. I don't want to be vulnerable with him. I don't want to rehash the past, and cry, and breakdown in front of him, and "give him that" satisfaction of being so loved by me and not reciprocating. I want to push it all back under the rug where I've been keeping it, where it fits so nicely , and have a real relationship now where I can call him on a holiday and be normal, and just chat like friends for a few minutes. Sometimes I really cant figure out why that is such a huge ask for me. It makes me want to blow my brains out.