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SecretGarden said:

I am glad...again...that you are getting back in to therapy.

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just for the record...that isn't a certainty...i do plan to have at least one session (pending her responses to my questions....if she does respond at all or forgets i even gave them to her...which if that happens will be answering my questions but in another way...and they are/were necessary questions). but after that one session it might be that she can't help me anymore. or rather...she can help me but my "zeal" for the business of healing myself is going down the drain.

thanks for everyone else's supportive responses.

i sort of "logically" know my happiness that life is approaching a place where i can see the end is sort of sad...because of what is implies.

but i sort of don't care either...it truly does make me happy on some levels to see that i won't live forever. life feels like a prison. as soon as my brain was developed enough to be aware of a choice...the choice was: i never wanted to be here...and it seems "stupid" that the universe (or whatever) and general society puts a stigma on the desire to not be here.

it is truly that i'm here because i feel i "have to" be...not because i want to be. so i'm in prison...until the natural end of my existence, I suppose.