the emotions... i cant quite figure out, there is a great deal of frustration and been annoyed at it but underneath there is probably some exitement or joy, its really hard to tell!

im not sure its caused by anything that happened because i've had this problem my whole life, seems to be something i was born with... a mental defect maybe. apparantly i "got stuck" and was strangledby the cord or something and starved of oxygen when i was born (and born through a c section) and i have read that this can cause mental defects and i've sometimes wondered if it was that. is this possible? and if so does this mean im stuck like this or is there anyway to still cure it?

im not sure about supressed emotions, afaik there is none. i really dont know the main thing im lacking in life is money, as i've been unemployed for ages. i've been called mentally unfit for work because im incapable of getting on with people in the proper way (same for college). i am totally socially inept, i have no social life, when i talk to people i always say/do the wrong things, not sure how to act in certain situations and cannot keep eye contact ans sometimes my mind wanders and im not listening. im so ignorant nobody wants to have anything to do with me but i cant help it it just happens. so now i dont bother trying.

im not really bothered by it tho because i dont feel i need it. i find it a lot easier to write things, tho i still find it hard to describe how i feel etc, to find the write words, its really frustrating because i know what im feeling and what i mean but i just dont know how to put it into words and get the point across... (which is probably what is happening here so i apologise for that)

i feel like everything i do is a bad investment of time as im unemployed. i do see exercise as a good investment of time, or housework or whatever, something i feel is useful because other people would approve of it. im not sure if that is the right way to think but i think it is. obessively thinking about stupid things definitley is not a good investment. also recently i've become obsessed with reading stuff about my problems on the internet, looking for a fix for it, i went to bed stupidly late last night because of this. i know its wrong afterwards but sometimes i get so absorbed i dont care at the time. like i said before, everything else just disappears...