So, it's a couple of hours later now, and the sun is coming up, I tried to go get at least an hour of sleep before my son wakes up, but my mind won't shut off. I am very obviously manic right now, I have been for a few days, I think it's peaking. I don't want to crash, I want to keep the feeling I had when I wrote the end of the above post. I need to feel that anything is possible, that there is still time for great things to happen. When I tell people that I want to be happy, for some reason I tell them that I pray to be so, but that can't be you see I don't believe there is a god I want to, but how can I when there is so much suffering, when I have had to fight a war with myself to stay alive and some days just to keep breathing. It gets so hard. At moments when I need to block out the madness in my head I turn to movies, television, books and music these are the only things that get me through, and it may be corny but when it hurts so bad that i can't breathe I remember Tom Hank's speech to the radio therapist in the movie Sleepless in Seattle "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." It actually helps, lyrics, and quotes, they seem to get me by. I know this is all so disjointed and maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone else but me, but this is all coming straight out of my head, it's what I need to get out. I can feel a little ball of pain in my heart trying to get bigger, just looking for that little bit of guilt, to turn that little snowball into an avalanche that will crush me. And maybe, just maybe if one day, I get all the words out I will feel better. For now I am going to try my best to write every day and keep this particular wolf at bay. I just need to keep telling myself I'm okay, life is never going to be easy for me but I need to struggle through the bad times to make it to the good, just like the Doctor said "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." I feel a little better now. (That was a Doctor Who quote by the way.)