Thank you for asking 8888an8888. Struggling. I just feel shut down. I feel afraid to talk. Words swirl in my head, but I am both afraid and unable to bring them down. Time seems to get away, I'm there then gone. Physical pain is pushing at me, and I am trying my hardest to keep going and be okay, as okay as possible.

The staples will come out Wednesday, I already am feeling that fear, feeling that known pain once again for the third time, but the memories of that mix deep with a pain somewhere from the past all over again, being manifested yet hidden still.

As an adult one would think that I could handle it and separate the two, but I cannot. Those little child parts in me push harder something much deeper that I cannot seem to really connect to. Yet somewhere it is there deep within the recesses of my mind, pulling me away sometimes from here.

Why can I not connect to myself back then? Why does it feel terrifying, yet like it is a responsibility I must somehow figure out? Why am I terrified all over again of everyone around me? Why do I feel forgotten and as though it doesn't any longer matter?

Why have I once again shut down to the world around me, feeling trapped and like every step I am drudging through quicksand just to move? How does one be okay to the world, but that deep inside truth you are not hide itself so well no one seems to care or notice I am not?

I feel like I am moving in and out of consciousness, like I am once again weaving through frames, but the big picture between them is not there. It is during those times I don't know where I am and I miss time as it seems to just disappear. Here one minute functioning as though I should, getting things done and knowing that I did them, to times when I know nothing but the clock says time has passed.

I thought those times were over, that the frames were no longer withholding what was between, but once again I feel so scared, lost, alone, and as though I am a ghost to the picture these frames hold. A ghost to the world around me. I hate myself, and I hate what they did to me.

How can people, people who were supposed to love you, protect you, take care of you, teach you what life should have been or even how to be a part of life itself, be the very people that destroy you and set you up to destroy yourself?

There is a feeling of terror, a terror that feels like there is an unending blackness between the frames. As though once again, from a distance I sense if I stand at the edge of the frame flame arms are awaiting me, daring me to step to the edge of the frame itself. I've drawn this and didn't understand, drawing to just let someone know what I feel, see, and fear. Those drawing are what my mind is seeing once again.

Sometimes I feel I am a black hole, waiting to swallow myself. And I am afraid.

dps