I really feel for you. I'm in a similar position. I had severe issues when I was 18/19 (I'm 27 now) and I ended up having 15 ECT treatments in 2006. Afterward I was well for a long time, about six years. Graduated college, got married, had a baby. Everything was going so well until the end of 2012 when everything went downhill. I went back to rapid cycling, had my first true manic episode, had a couple of psychotic breaks....it got really really bad. I finally decided in October to have ECT again. I have my last treatment on Monday. And let me tell you, I felt exxactly as you do - that everything was my fault. That I could have changed it or stopped it or something. But you can't. You can't help your illness. I know now that I did the best I could with what I had. And so did you. You had a lot of external stress going on. So did I. Life happens and you can't change it. You can only choose how you handle it. As long as you're doing everything you can to get better you're being the best wife and mother you can be. My son is four and he's also a huge handful and believe me sometimes I get frustrated and yell at him more than I'd care to admit. It makes me feel and guilty but again, I'm only human and I can't help getting frustrated. It doesn't make you a bad mom.

Go a little easier on yourself. I'm right here with you. I totally understand how you feel. You're not alone. And you're not a bad person. Don't be so hard on yourself.