I understand this is very difficult for you, but I want to point out a small positive that I think you may be missing because you are overwhelmed.
You may not recognize the positive aspects you have in common with him, but when you talk to him in your imagination, you are talking to an aspect of yourself. When you find it helps even a tiny bit to have these conversations, you are helping yourself by doing so.
Don't beat yourself up by saying that you are pathetic or desperate. Recognise that you are helping yourself and that you have these strengths and good qualities.
Yes, it is great to have someone to call on when in need, but please acknowledge your own self reliance is there, even if tentative and in disguise.