As I re-read what I wrote in this thread, I realize that I needed to come back and make right my own words that I wrote. I just needed and wanted to say I am sorry as in my writing and feeling so lost, my saying there is no one I can trust and feeling no one is there, I sounded as though I was encircling all people in my life when that is not and was never what I was meaning.

Those in my life today are there, have been there, and are always willing to listen and be there. It is me that pulls away and shuts even them out, sometimes knowing, sometimes not even realizing what I myself am doing. When writing I often get lost into old feelings and what always was, but I sometimes in writing do not remember to say it is not those in my life today I am referring to. I was so wrong in that because making an overall general statement as I see I did, does make it sound like I was including everyone and I am sorry I really wasn't.

And I have to admit, that at times I do use any excuse I can find to not talk or reach out when I am in the middle of something as what I am in once again, and when I find that even little excuse to not reach out, it grows and the lies no one is there scream louder than the truth, and at that point I am unable to get to what is true. And I am scared of everyone, but not for reasons this thread may have sounded. My fear comes from the unknown, the thinking I was through the frames, and I feel afraid not only of what is pushing from within, but ashamed and scared all at once that I am failing and here I go again.

A lot of my thoughts and feelings surround what is going on within; the fear of the unknown often speaks louder than anything else surrounding me. It includes my children, my grandchildren that I have never even met, the knowing that they don’t care and will not even hear me, the loss of a relationship with them to be safe and to get away, was a cost I don’t think, no I know, that at the time I even had the knowledge or ability within to know it would later affect me in this way.

And just because there were problems with them, I have come to realize a lot of that was based on their conditioning growing up and continued conditioning after the divorce and leaving. I never meant to hurt them but in truth I know I did and have. One cannot make that right when no one will listen or hear, but that does not take away the feelings, emotions, and pain surrounding it. And I know no one else can make it right either, but sometimes I know I don't make that clear I know that. It just hurts.

I even have to admit that I miss some of my family, especially during the holidays after we all grew up together. I don’t miss the fighting, the shows that were put on to pretend everything was okay, or the lies that continue/continued to hold us each captive to our abusers. But I do miss them as people. I grew up with them, I heard them cry and watched them being abused, and I did love them even though we never spoke that word or was allowed to when we were growing up.

I was the oldest, I was the protector, and someone within still feels that fear of when we had to run for our lives, phones jerked from the wall, see the abuse taking place, hearing the screaming profanity and words of how we were unwanted, unloved, and nobodies. The endless nights of being interrogated, standing on the stairs for hours listening to being blamed for everything, Christmas’s watching our half brother and sister getting what we asked for, Christmas dinner where fighting and again being berated and blamed in front of everyone, and the shear lack of love that never was.

I still somewhere worry, feel responsible, and wonder how they are and pray they are all okay. I remember their tears still when I left that home, it still screams I let them down, they needed me and I was not there. And someone inside feels like they are not doing their job, the not knowing if my siblings are okay or not still carries a big job and responsibility. And that forever feeling of no one to talk to, no one to reach out to, that is what those words are mixing up with. I never wanted any of my siblings to get hurt, be taken, or abused. It was my job, and someone inside took that very seriously even to this day. There is more but I am too emotional to write about it right now.

And then the frames, somewhere those frames fit into this picture of my life, a life I am still struggling to figure out and put the pieces back together. That is where the terror is. That is where I feel so lost, so helpless, so unloved and unwanted, yet responsible, and yes, terrified.

I just needed to say those in my life today are there, but I pull away out of fear, even though there is a fear of them, it is intermixed in the emotions and terror of what is pushing at me from within. I know somewhere within they are there, but sometimes it is hard to get to them or reach out. So when I say I have no one, have no one to trust or talk to, it is not those that love me and care now, it is much deeper and it comes out in my writing as though I was writing about everyone but I needed to let everyone reading this know that even though I am not able to reach out right now to those safe in my life now, it is not because they are not there and willing. It is because of me, no one else.

When I write, my mind is not at that time separating or thinking of separating as it is just the pain, hurt, and fear that is so fore front. I just needed to make this right and I really needed to get this out of my head. When I re-read this thread, I really realized that what I said was not right, and I needed to make it right. And I am so sorry if I left anyone thinking I have no one in my life now. I can see how it sounded, and I just needed to make it right. So I am really sorry. I will try hard to not allow my emotions and feelings to make it sound as though I am generalizing all, because it is not like that.

Separating my own memories, those pushing at me unknown, my responsibility that was, my feelings for a lost family and my children and grandchildren, and the pain, sadness, hurt, and terror of my own abuse, sometimes are enough to tear me into tinier pieces than I already am. I don’t mean to sound untruthful, ungrateful today at all, and for that I am really sorry.

I love and so appreciate those in my life now that are there for me, love me, and try their best even when I am at my worst, I just had to make this right even though most of them don't know what or that I even wrote this. But to the one that did read this I really needed to make this right and to say I am sorry and that I really do love you and I know you are really there and care.

dps