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Originally Posted by unguy
Really? Sorry, but my experience has shown that none of the above is true. Even if you don't act gay or have gay friends, people still label and alienate you. You're not able to talk about the intimates in your life - like others talk about their spouses and families - because you have no one. You still encounter prejudice too because others can't tell if you're a practicing gay or not - they just see you as gay.
Sexuality is a HUGE part of one's life and defines you to others who judge accordingly. It affects your spirituality, where you live, whether you're hired and, if so, whether you're promoted and given raises, it's a source of gossip and determines whether people even want you as a friend. No amount of self-esteem can help me deal with being gay. If you were gay, you'd know just how ruthlessly cruel the world can be.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unguy
I've had decades of therapy of all kinds. None of it has helped. Being gay is just not for me. I hate everything about it.
For years I did volunteer work in the community only to be repeatedly treated badly. It's a community where you have to be good looking or wealthy or a body builder or very sexually active - none of which I am.
I think it's time to stop therapy. It has not worked. I'm old now and am not open to change anymore. Prior attempts to fit in have all failed. I no longer want a partner and don't want to get married - I don't have the skills to handle intimacy. I have never liked gay sex much and am not good at it either. It's obvious that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone without friends. I am too damaged from my childhood. At this point, the only thing that would help would be to be heterosexual. My dream, as long as I can remember, was always to be like everyone else. As I've gotten older, that desire has returned. I don't like being different - never did. My gay experience is much different from people raised in subsequent generations.
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Firstly I don't know if therapy can change sexual orientation, once that orientation has become quite clear. Sometimes people just don't know or experiment, and are mislabeled, then seemingly "change" but in reality they never did change. But in your case it seems that the orientation is quite clear, so that was my first point.
Secondly, I don't know if therapy can change orientation. It may or may not, or perhaps it depends on the individual and strength of their orientation and also how much they do want to change. I don't want to say more on the topic because discussions about changing sexual orientation can get heated and all political. Because obviously many, especially in the past, have been forced to try to change because they were seen as wrong, sinners, perverts, etc, and it's almost impossible to talk about this without at the same time not sounding like you're invalidating the orientation. But in general, I think human beings can change in many ways, both for the better and also for the worse, under the "right" circumstances and if they're willing.
Thirdly, in terms of the issue of stigmatization, I don't know where you live but in many places in US people are much more accepting of the gay lifestyle, and gays in general. It's a crime to harass gay people and many workplaces have strict laws about this, just as they do with sexual harassment or other kinds of bullying. I'm surprised that you've had such awful experiences. Stigmatization is still out there in many shapes and forms of course, I'm not denying that, but your story makes me wonder if there is more to your problems, other than the sexual orientation part, as big part of your identity that is. That perhaps you already felt alienated enough, just that this gay identity being yet another part of yourself that you felt you had to hide to fit in, another reason for people to exclude you?
Which brings me to my last point. Perhaps you live amongst very judgmental or competitive people, where wealth and beauty are the only things that matter, where people look for slightest imperfections, differences, etc, to ridicule and hurt others. Or maybe you have very low self-esteem. Trust me, being hetero does not translate into feeling you belong or fit in. I'm heterosexual and have struggled with fitting in, tremendously. I've gone through long periods when I had very ow self-esteem, no friends, no long term relationships, no girlfriend. I'm also not muscular, I'm not beautiful, and I'm certainly not rich...not even close.
In some communities, amongst some groups, I would have people point at me, day and night. They would gossip about me, they would mock me, they would not see my weakness or pain or misery as reason to offer a helping hand but as opportunity to scapegoat me, kick me where it hurts. At times even animals seem to have more love and care than some people.
But believe it or not, there are places and people who can accept me and accept you, flaws and all. It is because they know they too are not perfect and they don't lie to themselves about it either. But it would require that I open up my circle a bit. That I change my expectations too. Because part of is that I have to be more open towards their differences and their flaws as well. It's a two way street. It may not be as glamorous as other circles I've often wanted to be part of, but here the love and compassion feels more real and more inclusive, and here you can be yourself, whoever you are.