Oh boy, can I relate to this! Every morning I drag myself out of bed & spend my whole time in the shower chanting: "I wish I would just die. Why can't I just die. Please let me die..." Fortunately at this point, I've aged into my retirement years. (I haven't been employed for around the past 15 years.) But, like you, no matter how depressed & riddled with anxiety I felt, I was still able to get up & do what I had to do. I didn't necessarily do it well. But I did it.

I can't tell you how draining this is when it goes on year after year. You write that you've been clinically depressed for 5 months. I don't know what, if anything, you're doing to treat your depression. But I'd like to encourage you to do something... what ever you feel makes sense for you. I lived in complete denial, literally for decades until it all came crashing down when I turned 50. I had a not too serious bout with cancer. It was not life threatening. But it kicked the supports out from under me & 15+ years later, I'm still falling. My best wishes to you...