I find myself going in between "yes this happened, I can actually remember" and "no way - so not possible" because the realization is so new.
Well, it is and it isn't. I've long expected it, at least the MC part. But -like my abuse memories- suspecting and gaining back full knowledge are two different things. Right in there with "I thought I'd want to know... now that I DO know... I wish I didn't."
I've had to change my kitchen around to help me out - I learned about - well, let me put in a trigger warning first, so I don't hurt others.
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OK. So I learned about spin cycles and WOW that explains what is going on now. I've had these spinning sensations come up once in a great while over the last decade or more; like the very top of my head was a top or a combination lock and someone spun it. It would really weird me out. These last few months it is constant. between 4-9 times a day. It is awful.
When I read about screen memories, I finally understood that what I KNEW to be real and not the "dreams" my mom said they were I was no longer afraid of them. That was a relief. But what are they screening? :/ That put me in psych ER on the night of the 25th, so almost a week ago. It shook up the system and the one whose program is tethered to that was like and I asked her if she felt safe (NO!) and did we need to go in to ER (YES!! QUICK!!) and she NEVER says yes. So I took us in right away.
But then I read (even after swearing I wouldn't because I have no therapeutic support) about the spin cycles and the mundane things that can be used. And it came flooding back. The mundane child's top that was used to create a hypnotic , dissociative state. So simple. And hear the cruel words being told to me as I was told to watch the top. This is why I had to change up my kitchen, so I am slightly safer than I was.... The top was blue. My dishes are blue. And washing them re-creates the spin cycle and puts me in trance. I've been phobic of my kitchen for some time now, but once I finally get around to washing the dishes, it puts me into a "relaxed state" that I was like, "Oh I find this meditative". Not so much. Now I understand. I went out and bought cheap SQUARE, glaring yellow dishes. 3 large for me; 3 small for the cat's food. I had hoped to get the other dishes out of my house, but when mom came over to check on me because I called her in a panic, those words and thoughts couldn't formulate. They are still here, in the dishwasher. I forget and get a utensil and wham goes my brain again.
Now I've been binging - stress eating over just how many dang circles there are in the kitchen!
Working on that one.
Saw the new therapist today-tried to talk around those things without telling her, but she kept asking questions and finally we had a swap out in to someone who wouldn't speak. Go figure. I'd gotten to close to the subject, knowing if things go down I wouldn't be able to get home. The therapist rather liked the idea of us going inpatient. I don't know what it right. Or up from down right now. I don't know if I am safe or can be. I don't know who's programs are now closer to the surface or if.... Like Alice falling through the Rabbit Hole.... I've landed in new territory and I don't yet know the rules.

And what is it about (possible trigger again) al*ens? It's come up for me, for my friend... my dad used to talk about them as if he was one.... and then my mom mentioned them last night and sent me reeling. What is that????? I don't understand. Do I even want to understand?