My husband and I go round and round and have for years...I tell him what is upsetting me and why, he either doesn't get it or doesn't care. So I spend money.

I.e. We spend our first anniversary on a work trip for him. So to soothe myself, knowing my husband only invited me so as to cushion the blow that he was going either way even though it was our anniversary, I eventually spent my days at the local mall. (We were in Mid Wisconsin in February!!! So it wasn't like I could go to the beach) After four days sitting in the frumpton-inn all day, I found fabulous after Christmas sales. By the end of the week we could barely fit in the car. The birth of a self soothing/coping mechanism.

My husband and I had good jobs, not lighting the corporate world on fire, but we were on our way. However, because we were now married and ....who knows why he felt it should be different, he would constantly get down on me, him and us that we weren't raking in the dough. In his eyes he should have been able to walk around with $300 cash in his pocket at all times, regularly replenished. Because he couldn't at the age of 30, we were failures.

He chooses our house. It's falling over. Literally falling over. He says he can fix it. Our mortgage company approves us for a whole lot. I'm planning where to put the grand piano in the house we are going to build - not that either one of us play piano. Husband says NO, this house falling over is all we can afford. We move into our 900 s.f. house. Our time is spent cleaning and repairing this house...for 15 years. That's right 15 years. Instead of spending weekends going biking, camping, anything really we are working on this house, all the while having my husband complain, nag, and get down on us about the house...blah blah blah. I am constantly trying to re-do the look. Nothing will change, so I don't know why. I have painted 3 times in three years. I should mention we live in husbands hometown that he refuses to leave (I'll get into that another time). We have one bath, no usable garage in the one car driveway. Every morning we shuffle cars depending on who leaves first. 15 years folks... He refuses to put up a fence because it is too expensive. We have a dog who needs to go out about 7 times a day - leashed of course - for the last 12 years. What a pleasure that is in the Chicago winter. He's never home to take her out really.

He forgets our anniversary. To soothe myself I go shopping. He forgets my birthday - I go shopping again. Well....this is it, each time he forgot I upped the anty. The time he forgot my birthday, and when I called him upset, refusing to tell him why, he gave me a lecture on how I need to be happy!!! When I said it was my birthday (I believe I was barking at that point) He had the nerve to tell me it was my fault. That I set him up by not reminding him my birthday was coming. He was mad at me!!!!....I spent $500 that time! @/!_a$^s!^h!!e. For the next few years my father in would send me flowers the day before my birthday to give my husband a heads up. True story.

After our first child arrived, he felt more like a pauper than ever - even though I paid 70% of the bills...He was used to being able to buy what he wanted, when he wanted...now that he had adult responsibilities he couldn't do it anymore. Our life was a constant let down for him. I was a let down to him. He wanted his toys. I should write, in order to soothe his emotional breakdown he bought a motorcycle right before our child was born. He dropped me and our newborn home from the hospital and went and picked it up. True story! As everyone came to see the baby, he showed off his motorcycle. SO - I showered our baby with everything he didn't need.

When our child asked for a guitar for his birthday, husband asked the entire family to contribute (both grandparents, aunt, uncles), because it was way to expensive for us to give. When we presented our son with his awesome guitar, there was a new drum set sitting right next to it for Husband. Heaven forbid he be left out.
They cost 10 times what was spent for our child's birthday. So - I then showered my child with more stuff he wanted but didn't need.

I bring this to my husband's attention and his remark was that he grew up having things, cars, motorcycles, stuff like that....He said to me, you never had that so you shouldn't feel like you're missing anything!!!

So I spent more money. More than we ever had. When I write showered...I spent maybe $100 - 150 (at a time). I should also write many times it was for clothes, food, etc. I was still paying a majority of he bills while making little more than him. He always thought I should be paying more. I.e. I paid $213 every week for child care (that's was a long time ago). So...He paid the car insurance bill of $525 once every six months. I bought groceries and household things each week, so he paid the gas bill each month. You get the idea.

All the while my husband getting more down on us because we were not wealthy. He wanted to know WHY I wasn't able to save any money because he was....(he will find out a few years later.) In order to make him feel better I always pull out MY credit card when we are out. No matter what he wanted! I would tell him it's ok, I got it! if I didn't he would go into depression about my failure(s) as his wife and our life.

All during our marriage I tell him why I would get upset for different things, some listed above ...He didn't care. He is a person who lacks empathy also. If he doesn't get it - he doesn't care. So I ran us into debt. The less he cared the more I spent.

We are teetering on divorce, for him it is my constant spending. For me it's that he doesn't care and continues on and on. There are years of things built up....I told him we were going to have a baby. After a minute, He said, "hey I told ÷€÷€ I would come over and help him in the garage". True story... He said we could only afford to go on a 5 day honeymoon and spent 3 of them scuba diving - I don't scuba dive. He wanted me too, but he was going with or without me. (It's my fault - I should have seen it then!) It was zingers like that the whole time, so when I write I would tell him I was upset, I don't feel like I was just whining.

NOW, he says hes has done nothing but love me, and all I did was lie (about money). Am I just a whining wife? If someone told me I was at least I wouldn't feel like I've gone insane!!!