Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It's interesting you (Arha) should point out the benefit of the conversations. I've tried to give them up before but I become so alone I barely exist. I live in a remote place and only see people for a few hours a week and these talks I have, even if they are imaginary, make me feel less alone and sometimes I get some good advice.
To answer why I have no where to turn, it's complicated. Things got worse for me four months ago as a result of taking Wellbutrin. I went from being a kindly, mild mannered person and became a rabid pit bull for 3 months, the duration of the prescription. The last Pdoc quit immediately after giving me the Wellbutrin so I was on my own and there was no one to notice what the drug did to me. I was constantly enraged and mostly at healthcare so I offended my g.p. and now I don't have a doctor (he was my friend and doctor for 13 years and I just levelled him in 2 emails. I would have liked it if, after knowing me for all these years, he could have realized that I would not normally act that way, I am not a vicious person, but he took it personally, not even responding to my card of apology, and now I am without healthcare. It's more complicated than that but would be too hard to explain). Once the prescription for wellbutrin ran out all the rage left and looking back now I can see how extreme it was but I thought I had become a bad person and I stayed alone and kept it invisible from everyone except my poor doctor. Now in the aftermath of the wellbutrin disaster I am a changed person. I lost an important relationship with my doctor, I no longer have any faith in healthcare, I don't want anymore friggin' drugs (I've been on the merry-go-round for 13 years and rarely does anything help), I am much more isolated than I was because I have quit communicating with people, I don't trust anyone's care now, I never had to feel shame before and now I have that constantly hanging over my head and that is the worst feeling ever. So all this has been going on since I took wellbutrin and there is no Pdoc in town anymore and they only give you drugs anyway so what's the point of seeing one? Therapy is way too expensive, I am on disability and there are no free options where I live. Now that big pharma owns psychiatry Pdocs no longer talk to you and that's what I really need but that's no longer considered therapeutic since all we need are drugs, right? Last Pdoc would only see me for 10 minutes and sent me off with wellbutrin without a mood stabilizer and ruined me. So I am now so cynical I wouldn't even go to a doctor for a broken leg.
Then, suddenly and in the flesh, there's old beloved Pdoc in front of the liquor store and oh how I needed to talk to him about all that has happened. I haven't talked to anyone about it all. The last year has been terrible and the last four months a disaster that made me give up hope. A year ago I was in the hospital on boxing day through new year's and since then I am much much worse but would no longer turn to a hospital. Twice a day a nurse comes out of the nurse cubby hole and tanks you up on drugs and otherwise you just shuffle around the halls and stare at the bad paintings all day for weeks. That's "healthcare" in the local hospital psych ward. They provide some crayons I think.
Anyway, I'm ranting. I'll stop now. Your replies are helpful. I have more to say but I'll do it later.