What if I'm just a person in somebody else's dream or script? What if all I feel and do is meaningless? Is my fate already written down? I'm scared of that. I'm scared of being destined to fail.
Also, I'm sick of being sick. I was locked in a closed ward for 5 days and I think that killed my last sane braincells. Even my mom noticed how I'm more distant now. Colder. I took some benzo yesterday and allowed myself to dream while being awake. I wanna feel like that all the time. Damn. Now I'm empty again. I can't even fake a smile. I don't trust anyone anymore. Let alone myself. I'm so used to being sent away. Locked up. I get it though. I've had so many suicide attempts... if you should call them that. Times when I put myself in serious danger not caring if I lived or died hoping someone would save me and care for me is more accurate. They're scared. They're all scared of me. I am too.
I just needed to clear my head.