Being gay makes me miserable and sad. I rarely smile because there is nothing to be happy about. I don't fit in in the community. I don't like to sleep around or do drugs or smoke or go to discos. I am a day person and do not function well at night when most of the socializing takes place. With every sexual connection, you risk your life. Recently, I met someone who lectured me that to make friends it was important to sleep with people the day you met them because that is how you bond with people. I am not emotionally ready to sleep with anyone the day I met them. Usually, I am not ready for weeks or months and no one wants to wait that long.

I don't have the looks to succeed in the community. I am a mix of ethnicities and don't look like any of them. My head is nearly bald and I'm hairy in all the wrong places. I will be coming into an inheritance soon and will have my teeth straightened and bonded so they are white. Often, I am hit on my people of other races. The sexual interest in them is not there. They don't want to be friends; they want sex. I panic when anyone tries to speak with me. As I suffer from epilepsy, I avoid bars. Leather bars, bath houses, drag queens, sex parties are fine for others but are not for me.

Being gay makes life too complicated and I cannot deal with it. It's a community where I will never fit in. If there is no cure for homosexuality than I'm not going to make it. It's my only hope.