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I don't know Unguy, you seem pretty determined to hate yourself and you've chosen a hellish lifestyle to torture yourself with. Like others have said, most gay people don't live like that.
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'...
At poor peace I sing
To you strangers (though song
Is a burning and crested act,
The fire of birds in
The world's turning wood,
For my sawn, splay sounds,)
...'
Dylan Thomas, Author's Prologue
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