I am not certain what you are looking for here. What kind of responses do you want?
I am a lesbian who hates softball, am terrible at pool, I dislike Melissa Etheridge and don't care one whit about marriage. I am still a lesbian. I never found being a lesbian to be a big deal one way or the other for the most part. I am one and I go on with my life. The description you give of gay life is rather narrow. I do have gay friends who enjoy parties, leather and sex, but I also have gay friends who have never worn leather, been in a bath house, and who hate musicals. Stereotypes exist for a reason (I have short hair and like power tools and have a large selection of herbal teas) but they are not all encompassing and do not have to define any individual unless one wants to be defined in that way.
Frankly from your description - gayness or not is not really the issue in my opinion. I hope you figure out how to get some peace.