I would have to describe myself as a survivor of reparative therapy of sorts. As a child, I distinctly recall my mom telling me that she was intentionally hard on me in order to "toughen me up." She was anti-sexual and told me that sex and love were not necessary. (She deemed taking care of her the purpose of my life.) Consequently, I take it as an insult when others suggest that celibacy is an acceptable lifestyle. I have been celibate most of my life and am miserable. People who suggest it have no clue as to what misery they are supporting. Of course, celibacy was also necessary for a while as a gay man during the AIDS crisis. Despite all of the safe sex warnings and education, there is still a lot of unsafe sex going on in the community.

I was forced to go to a religious all boy high school to also help toughen me up. It was a terrible 4 years and drove me further into the closet. Both of my parents were homophobes as were my teachers. I have never recovered.

Also, I am a person of a certain generation - when I came out it was pre-AIDS and free love ruled. If you were like me and wanted a relationship, you were laughed out of the bar. Therapists encouraged me to sleep around. When I go out to meet someone who is my age and single, I still come across this mentality. I really don't like to date younger because I had several younger siblings - all brothers - and don't want to play the older brother role anymore. It seems that I naturally do. Because I had such a cold, unaccepting mother and only brothers, I do not understand women well.

With such a skewered background, it's no wonder that I have problems. Sadly, therapy does not seem to be able to help. One T remarked that for someone with my past, I am remarkably functional. Having had parents who did not like me and treated me badly or neglected me, it's no wonder that I am a mess and have poor social skills. I don't seem to understand social interactions well at all and my social instincts I cannot rely upon because they are very bad.

The last few years, everything fell apart. I accepted a position working for a lesbian who turned out to hate men. She treated me badly even though I worked very hard and, after firing me, gave negative references so that no one would hire me. She was a sociopath. My next two jobs were working for a sociopaths also. I had a succession of bad T's who were more committed to their modalities than their patients. I made no progress.; my depression and lack of self confidence grew deeper. I am now more damaged than ever.

My current T is very young. He is not familiar with my generation even though he is gay. It is cookie-cutter therapy. It does not address the damage caused by my parents and schooling. That damage runs very deep.

Please do not suggest religion as a treatment for my depression or a cure for my homosexuality. After 12 years of religious schooling, I have finally put all the BS in the bible behind me. That book has ruined more peoples' lives.

I guess that I am an extreme case. I have made a lot of effort - all with very poor results. I am now almost 60 years old. I guess it's clear that nothing will help me at this point. People in the community are intentionally rude to me because I never smile and I don't date and have never had a relationship. I don't tell them about my past. All T's seem optimistic that regardless of what happened in the past that some improvement can always be made. That's not true.