My chest is so heavy I can hardly breathe! Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. Woo Hoo. The man I married is downstairs in his (home) office. We barely speak, but especially not today. He probably knows if he brings it up, I'll ask him why we are stilling doing this. It's a sham, a show, a completely phoney display. We have not been intimate in close to 4 years, unless you include him fondling me in my sleep when he is drunk. I simply can't be intimate with someone who I don't have a face to face relationship with. I'm so very lonely. I did ask for a divorce about 6 months ago, even brought home the papers. He was more worried about me taking "what was his" than he was about our non-existent relationship. He told me that if I went through with it, he would immediately retire and end all insurance and financial support for our twin sons, just starting college. He got me when he asked me how I could do that to the kids. In lieu of my filing papers, I opted to give him time for counseling - another joke. He went once, I went once, we went once, and he is done - just too busy. I'm sure he is afraid for anyone but me to see what is really going on here. To the outside world, he has this lovely handsome family, but behind closed doors is another story. Did I mention that he drinks? I guess you could call him a functional alcoholic. He keeps a good job, but drinks every day, and over does it about twice a month. A few mights ago, it was 6 large glasses of wine. He was slurring and repeating himself all through dinner. The kids were amused. It used to be more frequent, but I guess my complaining did a little good. It has started to affect his memory and behaviors, but he won't admit it. He can't remember the simplest things and is becoming more incompetent over time. It's difficult to watch and the kids are not fooled.
I feel so trapped, but if I am selfish enough to leave (I have the means) for my sake, I feel like I will be throwing my kids under the bus. My daughter is just starting high school. All three will be in a safe place in about 3 1/2 more years, I just don't know if I can make it that far. Sometimes (more often than I should admit) I consider more permanent solutions to get me out of here, but I won't do anything that would negatively affect my babies. The images in my mind of being pain free are sometimes so tempting, but no. So here I sit: sad, lonely, alone, brokenhearted. I know I just need to serve out my time, but sometimes its just really hard to live like this. I'm a creative person and this is just sucking the lifeblood right out of me. It takes my energy and creativity and just sends it into a black hole. Ok, that is my rant for today. I will pull myself out of this, it might just take a while this time. I does help to tell someone, anyone, even if it is just an anonymous computer screen that things are NOT alright here. Thanks for listening.