So recurrent depression, only ever remission.

Things got insane at work, with me paranoid and suspicious and reactive. I received some mid-year feedback that was basically we don't like you personality (I am extroverted, smart, outspoken, and a little dramatic) and that I should soften my approach in communications. This feedback came in a lump sum from "everyone that worked with me" and had nothing specific except for one word in an email. I felt very betrayed and ganged up on, and nearly walked off the job. Then I got further feedback that I was inconsistent and emotional (see also, multiple mood disorders) and finally, had a manager jumping on me for every little thing so that I felt as if they did not trust I could do my job. So I got to the point where I did not trust anything that anyone told me and now I am back there, because of today's events.

The last weeks I literally had someone in an open meeting tell me that she was frustrated and disappointed with me because I had not done something that I had done, but could not remember because I've been having memory problems, and she was attacking me so I froze.

I finally went into IOP, because I was coming unhinged at work. So I am 2 weeks through and feel like it's not working.....don't feel better than before and all those feelings are now coming back, of not being able to trust and take a chance.

Today in IOP, we had a work stress session, where we doing a bit of group problem-solving, and I really wanted to have my issues up there. I was asked if my issues at work were because of my depression, to which I said yes because it was a very odd question. Apparently that was the Tdoc asking me if I wanted to problem-solve today, and so she went to someone else for it. Then I got in there and she did not ask generally, because it was already decided and then because I was so angry, and did not want to help everyone else out, which is what I feel like I've been doing....like I am there for everyone else instead of for me. Then I realized that if I would not participate, then I should just leave, so I did, and now I feel like I'm acting like a baby.

And apparently, I am supposed to graduate Friday, and so today was my only chance. I wound up being so angry that I just got up and walked out. I don't even want to go back Friday, I don't want to talk because the room goes quiet when I talk and I get sympathy, but very little useful feedback. Plus on Friday I am supposed to talk about my fabulous IOP experience and then other people and therapists get to tell me nice things and I have nothing to say about IOP at this point and won't believe the 'nice things' anyway....

• So do I just skip it entirely?
• Go on Friday and skip check in and then skip out before the graduation thing?
• Or effectively pitch a fit because I did not get what I needed? Because I walked out, I feel like I am acting out, as opposed to even allowed to be angry.

My therapist (outside of IOP) hopes that I will go and explain myself and maybe they'll extend me, but I am not sure I want to be extended and then deal with this person who asked an oblique question and then made assumptions.

The fact is I have recurrent depression, it was triggered constantly at work which put me into a severe episode, and then I realized that was happening, so I got help. But I am not getting help because the relief of being away from work was so great. So now they think that everything is fine. And so yes, my work issues are because of my depression, but this episode is also because of work.