(((JustNeedAnEar))),

Have you ever gone to an Alanon Meeting? You are not alone with this challenge and braving it and finding a group near you can provide you with a way to vent and also get understanding support. Plus you can meet others that not only understand but can become friends so you are not alone with this challenge.

Also, it isn't just you that is suffering and affected, even though you may not think so, it "is" affecting your children. You can learn more about that when you interact with others at an Alanon meeting. I went to these meetings myself when I was struggling badly and very alone. However, my husband eventually got sober and began going to AA meetings, it really became his life for a while, which left me alone again, but at least he was working on being sober. It went from it being about Alcohol to being about AA and following the program and finally growing up.

The thing about alcoholism is that it is a lonely disease and if the person doesn't stop the disease will progress and become terminal. Many of the individuals become alcoholics because they had something else before they started, with my husband it was ADHD and Dyslexia and he began to drink for an escape from the way his ADHD kept him wound up all the time. However, there are also individuals that become alcoholics because they suffer from PTSD and don't realize it, they are trying to find a way to escape that challenge.

You also need to understand how this situation is not good for you either. This is a situation that you are "entrapped" in and you "are" a victim and that can increase your chances of developing PTSD. People tend to think that PTSD is only something that develops from a traumatic event, that is not true, PTSD can develop from being trapped in a bad situation for a long time too. When you have tried to break away your husband threatens you, he also threatens his own children's welfare knowing that you will remain a Codependent if he does threaten their livelihood and normal home life (however, that is already taking place you just don't realize it).

The other thing you need to recognize is that the behaviors your husband has been displaying is not a good sign either, the alcohol is taking a toll on his brain now. I don't mean to scare you, but you need to really understand what you are dealing with. Yes, you are right, he is not married to you, he is married to the disease of alcoholism. While your children may be amused now, later on they will look back on these behaviors and be very challenged, they will also feel he did not love them enough to stop and actually be a father to them. There are meetings that these children end up going to as struggling adults called ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). Also, what you are unknowingly teaching them to be is a "codependent" where in their subconscious they are learning that it is normal to be and accept codependency. They are not seeing a healthy normal relationship either so how are they going to understand what that really is?

Look, I don't want to scare you ((JustNeedAnEar)), but you really need to know what the reality of your situation is. I have experienced it myself, it was such a long road for me too. I was not prepared to have to stand up and in many ways be the strong one in my marriage either. There is more help and knowledge now then when I was struggling, now they are realizing how there are often pre-existing problems that lead someone to becoming and alcoholic, for my husband it was his two learning disabilities that went undiagnosed because it just was not understood when he was growing and developing as it is now.

I have been married for 34 years, my husband has been sober and stayed involved with AA for 24 years now. Just because he got sober, the challenge did not end, he only had the maturity level of around age 12/13 and it took him a long time to actually "grow up" and I had to learn how to "not" mother him. My husband is not a bad man, however, the disease was bad and he remained challenged with the ADHD/Dyslexia that it took me years before I finally had a therapist see that and educate me about it. Even though my husband was sober and stayed committed to AA, I still had to deal with the ADHD/Dyslexia problems where he was still a person who talked over me, interrupted me, had bouts of impatient anger that he often directed at me. I have often discribed him as having a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde personality where I was always on edge with a waiting for that Mr. Hyde to come forward and take it out on me. I never knew "who" was going to walk through that door when he came home. I have only learned about what is behind that this year as my therapist noticed it immediately upon meeting him and observing him. Oh, I have cried often not only for myself and wishing I had been told about that years ago, but for him as well because he never really understood that challenge either.

((JustNeedAnEar)), I hear you, I do know how it is and it took a lot of courage for me to go to an Alanon meeting, I did not want to run into anyone that might know me, I was afraid to talk about how bad it really was for me too. I remember sitting in that room and thinking "look where I am now, this is not what is supposed to happen". I have to say, it is far from what I ever could have imagined my life to be about. However, it's like that for everyone else that faces that challenge, and it's amazing how many actually do have that challenge and are reaching out for help and support.

Know this though, this disease "is" affecting your entire family, you cannot pretend that is not, so, you cannot hide from it because it "is" a reality. It is very hard, but you have to become proactive, your children are already being hurt, they need to see how to be strong and proactive and "you are the one" that has to be brave and take action. You can't just try to pretend anymore, you need to reach out for help and support now and it is not going to be easy, I know it so well myself. I am very sorry you are experiencing this, you deserve to have more support, it's time.

(((Caring Supportive Understanding Hugs)))
OE