One day In the middle of winter I was crossing the road to go down to the ocean to drown myself. Something terrible had happened and I was already in a terrible state of mind, but I bumped into an acquaintance who said "Zippo, you look fabulous." I said, "Thank you, I'm just about to go to the ocean to drown myself," and he kept me with him all day. Funny that even in my last chosen moments of life my distress was invisible. I can be normal and maybe not chatty but at least passable when with people, but the second I am no longer in their company I'm back to my old sobbing self. It kind of horrifies me how I can make people think I'm doing well right now when in fact I'm never sure if I can make it through another day alive. I didn't used to be able to be so invisible but I've learned over lo' these many years how to get by in public. And anyway, when I see people I prefer normal adult, uncomplicated conversation like anyone else would have, not a reaction of concern and pity. But I do feel kind of crappy afterward when I see how there is no one who knows me.