I don't know what's happening with me. I Feel like everything that was worth living in life I already lived through, that there is nothing happy out there just sadness.

I now keep thinking about ending it but I don't want to leave my family like that and I am afraid of punishment (I'm not a very religious person but still).
In other words I don't want to die yet but it's getting worse.

I have mood swings. Serious ones. Usually it's bad but before christmas it was good for a week or two. It is not bipolar, doctors can't really diagnose me, they feel very useless to me !
My therapist couldn't help she was just asking me questions about what is happening with my life but not a single thing she said helped me !

I am only 20 yet I feel like an old man ready to give up. I want to be younger again. My biggest dream is to somehow be a child again or at least a teenger when I was actually enjoying me life to some degree.
Nothing very bad happened in my life, luckily. It's just me. I'm broken. I don't know. I couldn't go to the university. I quit after 2 weeks. Again. That's the second year. My friends don't understand me so much I don't really have them any more, I'm alone. I only have my family which I love and I have their support, always. But I can't live like this.

I REALLY, REALLY WANT EVERYTHING TO BE LIKE IT WAS BEFORE.
When I think about the future, of university, of starting my own family I start crying or get angry I can't handle these things I can barely handle the life of an unemployed person that spends his days in front of the screen.
I see the world as a very dark place, people only as ones that want to abuse me, no light, just darkness, pain, sadness, loneliness. My home and t he virtual world is much more kind. This is all I can handle at the moment.. I want to end my life because I am afraid of what will happen when I'll have to leave this shelter. Too many people betrayed me too many people mocked me. I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THEM ANY MORE. I hate strangers, I feel very uncomfortable with them. I want to live as though they didn't exist. But I can't. They are out there.

**** you, world. **** you.

I don't know what to do. I want my old life back. It wasn't perfect, but I had friends, social life, goals, dreams.

I tend to see people as a source of pain. Many friends have betrayed me, abandonded me. I am no longer capable of having dreams about the future.

I want to go to an university, to get a good job. What for though ? I might as well...you get the point. I am lost and can't find the way.