Thanks for the reply ChaoticSymphony,
Yeah my Substance Abuse Counselor stated the report from the Behavioral Health read to her that the diagnosis was a one time event :-( from what I have read it's a reoccurring disorder ( Right?) I have battled feeling down for a lifetime, but rare times when I have reached out for counseling was I given a diagnosis or made to understand what was the issue.
In the past I have tried medication, but due to life I was not able/willing to ride out the adjustment period or able to justify cost cuz I didn't feel better...
Since May I have faithfully taken my meds, I had an experience of running out of one and had nightmares...so not having/taking them is not an option.

I am married, we celebrated 31 years since our 1st date, and been married 30 years. but yet I feel so lonely too.
Since May I have learned I have Anxiety and Panic attacks...I am really anxious now, but cannot put my finger on why, hmph...
Yeah I have slipped and drank, and just wanted to die because I did so...
Really every day I wish I would wake up dead, I already feel dead inside.
I feel pain, sadness, hopeless. right now I am not immobilized like I was this summer if that's anything.

I do want help, but I haven't found the right fit with a counselor or therapist..
When I said "oh talk therapy?? Change my out look and that will fix it all?? it's not working... feels like no one wants to get me, only tell me that I have the wrong thoughts or think wrong :-( " I know my thinking is off...but I have started to realize I tend to run away when confronted about it...I want to know but don't...does that make sense? also as far as therapy, It's because of my experiences in the past and well the present haven't seemed to help...
I have gotten gutzy and taken the quiz's and tests available here...the results are scary, but have helped me make sense of why I feel flat and feel like a tornado inside..They have also helped me understand that I am not getting the right therapy because of the undiagnosed issues..

Yeah I am not a big fan of AA either...the spiritual part just doesn't do it for me, past experiences with church were not that positive.
"Sober life is not at all what it was preached to me to be" Being sober was to bring back joy and happiness into my life, isn't that what your told, led to believe by folks telling you, you need to stop drinking??
No I am not working the steps..I had been working on them via a work book, which led me to trying to learn more about depression and the possibility of other mental health issues. The stumbling block is being scared...embarrassed, never before in my life have I had to be a welfare statistic for mental health...there's such a stigma of going down to the Community Mental Health office....
Scared I will just be looked at as another Abuser looking for a pill... that I will just be pushed thru the system..

What's it like to be content?

Thank goodness for Psych Central...I do find comfort in all the things available to read.

My resolution for the year is Why! Why? Why...to question things and seek the answers, like them or not.

Thanks for reading..