I definitely go through a cycle:

I miss my T so much, but I fear being "needy" and she will leave me because of it. So then I want to distance myself from her to reduce the "neediness". When I see her the next time, I wind up pushing her away which upsets and frustates her. So then I fear losing her and feel "needy" again.

I never have feelings of hatred towards her. And I never feel angry when she does miss a session. The only time I did feel angry was when she actually did forget about me.

It was in '13, and I had only been seeing her for about 2-3 months. I was supposed to have a session before she left for Christmas. Well, she had a family emergency and had to cancel our session. That hurt so much. But, it was understandable...family>clients. She told me she would call me after Christmas to check in with me. So I tried my absolute hardest to be strong and understanding so my T didn't have to worry about me. Day after Christmas came and I waited anxiously for her call. I waited till midnight, no call. I had a complete breakdown. We wound up emailing some, and I did show up to my next appointment. When she came out to get me, I couldn't even look at her. She walked up and gave me a long hug. We wound up processing the events for over a month. I'm glad I didn't give up and quit. Normally, if someone hurts me like that, I kick them out of my life permanently.

Two sessions ago, I finally verbalizedmy attachment to her. She had already known about my attachment because it was always mentioned indirectly, and I had written about it in emails to her many times. It was extremely difficult. We talked about many aspects including what "neediness" looks like for me, what "pushing away" looks like, the cycle I go through, my fears of losing her, my fears of her "punishing" me and pushing me away/having stricter boundaries. I'm actually glad we talked about it. It took away some of the shame which took away some of the intensity. We talked about how neither being "needy" nor pushing her away was helpful, and how finding a balance btwn the two was healthy.

I'm still overly attached to my T. That won't be going away for quite some time. But I do feel that honestly and openly talking about it really helped. And we will continue to talk about it.

I would definitely suggest talking to yourT about your feelings. Talk aboutit as often as you need to. Asking for reassurance is healthier than trying to manipulate T into showing she cares. And asking for something, even a hand-written letter, to hold onto while she's gone is you trying to cope with something that is difficult for you.

It does get easier over time. I think a little bit of the fear will always remain, but time allows us to see their consistency which provides the most reassurance.