Quote:
Originally Posted by jenny55
Thanks for all the replies! It does help to see other peoples experiences/ideas etc.
I wish I didn't have to have this conversation with her at all but it is bothering me so much that I think about that more than anything else. There is seriously not a single day (sometimes hour) that goes by that I am not thinking of her in one way or another - this can not be healthy. I don't know if telling her will help with that but at least I will get it out I guess.
I have started writing it down but am still really stuck for words. Part of me wants her to push me away and refuse to see me anymore just so I can move on and forget her (I've never felt like this before with anyone else) - the other part wants her to accept it but I doubt I'll ever be ok with it after I tell her so I wonder if it is worth the heart ache? I wonder if I should just tell her and leave and not wait for her response? I just know I am going to be so embarrassed after telling her.
I want this over with!
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I think about my T. as often as well after 7 months of therapy. It used to really bother me but I think it's just all part of the processing. So, I'm trying to be ok with it.
I never discussed feelings growing up so at one point I told my T. that I didn't have the words - literally. I said I felt like I was 4 and together we figured out that I saught out a mother figure for the first time at age 7. So, that's where she thinks I got "stuck". So, I have a very hard time describing my feelings. In fact, I have told her different ways I felt about her and last session she said I really hadn't. I went back through my therapy notes and noticed I always tell her "I don't like these feelings towards you" or "I don't like that you matter to me". That's pretty general. I feel very awkward having ANY feelings towards her.
I realized the last couple of days that maybe if I had a better relationship with my mom, this relationship wouldn't seem so weird to me.
I have tried to push my T. away - I have picked her apart in my mind, picked her apart in therapy and she's still here. And, she has realized what I"m doing. I told her once that I'm trying to push her away but at the same time terrified she will leave.
I think I am finally getting to the point of being ok feeling close to her. So, I think you should try to talk to her even if it's little bits at a time. I think we are supposed to learn that it's ok to have these feelings, learn to attach and see that it's all ok so we will realize that not everyone out there will act like our parents or others who have abandoned us.
