I don't think he had an ulterior motive, I just think he abruptly changed the topic and then didn't seem to care that it was upsetting me.

...Well, whose projection is it? I wasn't aware of feeling concerned and didn't walk in feeling concerned about it at all. He's the one that raised the topic and he's the one who said he thinks I'm concerned. Maybe he's concerned and projecting it on me? While I understand there's a lot of room for "whose emotion is this?" - that's a game I'm frankly sick of. I didn't raise the lease, he did. To me, that says it was on his mind - not mine. Which, to me, means the emotions he attributes to me are, perhaps, his - not mine.

Yeah, I agree wrt the abandonment thing. Although, I wasn't drunk. Two beers over five hours does not a drunk-Scallion make; though I'm sure it had a role in lowering my impulse control. I was late - the second time in four years, as I was at a company-mandated social event and mid-conversation.

I don't want to 'get revenge' or 'get back' at him. If anything, what I really want is to go back and somehow have it work. At what point do I stop 'throwing good money after bad,' or hoping and hoping - with little improvement to show? How do I measure this? How do I ensure that I'm getting the best treatment possible? Honestly, I don't even understand this psychodynamic approach except that he doesn't explain very much and I feel very alone in it all.

I want it to work and I want to feel better. I don't want to spend most of my time outside therapy wondering what I can do to try and make that happen.

Maybe I am angry and I do want to 'get back' at him for being a kind of snake-oil-salesman? It is hard to have so much hope invested in something (along with thousands upon thousands of dollars) and still be in the same place, and knowing that - if he's a good therapist - then the only reason why I'm still feeling this way is ME. And I am just flummoxed about how to go about getting out of this state. I feel really scared that I'll never be happy again, to be honest.

And, I imagine him being quite happy and relieved over the holiday break - not having to deal with clients, in his new home, with all his expensive stuff...while I write out another check and wish that my life were better.

It just seems - in this warped imaginary story I'm telling myself - that I'm being used. I'm giving, but I'm not getting anything out of it.