I do that to, just sit and wait and wait and wait, yelling at myself internally as I do nothing that I know I am supposed to. Its very strange isn't it? How we can do that?

I am going to attempt to describe something to you, I want you to see if this makes sense:

For me, I think the will to live comes from someplace inside me - the base of my brain maybe. This drive to compete to survive seems very strong in some people. Why not in me? During depression, it seems non-existent. What if that is why we feel depressed? Its not that we are sad, we just have so little will to live (natural will) that if our hearts didn't keep beating and our breath wasn't involuntary we would just stop? Does this feeling of 'depression' come from the lack of animal instinct of fight? Do we on some animal level understand that acceptance of death and then create the imagery?

Anyway, since I adopted that theory, it helps me to survive depressive times by knowing it is not that I want to be dead, it is that the chemical in me that fights for survival is low.

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Like, I am not even competitive let alone do I strive to dominate. I am the opposite, and I never can understand the 'normals' who might even be bad people, harmful to others, yet they fight to survive, when I am this nice sweet girl who can barely make herself keep breathing?