I am so joyless at the minute, functioning at a pretty basic level and that is about it.

Instead if sui thoughts I'm plagued by a vague urge to act out violently in the hope that I end up in prison, so I can just give up on life. Knowing me I'd get it wrong or never be caught or somehow make matters worse so I'd end up living with even more guilt and still trapped in this awful wreckage of a life.

Honestly, all I have to do is start job hunting, I've already seen two posts to apply for. Somehow it seems impossible and that I'm doomed to failure. I could just go with the flow and wait until I get laid off and then see what happens or I could leave voluntarily and take a small payout that would last about a year if I was really frugal. So I do have choices, I'm just freaked out by all of them and in some stupid way it seems more attractive to get myself incacerated than do any of them. I am pathetic, I just need to suck it up.