Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
 cosmicrexia
This sounds exactly like my first time with anorexia......had always had a tendency toward wanting to not weigh much.....but it wasn't until the depression hit that the anorexia really hit & after the Prozac started my weight loss in the first place.......I got so low that I was almost successful with the not wanting to live suicide issues that I had anyway.....it was actually the way I thought I could actually succeed without having it hurt my family as much as any of the other ways I had tried......warped thinking big time.....looking back at it....but at the time....it seemed all perfectly logical.
I do know that things get better....but it doesn't happen over night. I even had a second time with the major anorexia weight loss & over 13 years later before I was finally able to leave the situation that was pushing me in that direction so strongly.
But life now is wonderful.....maybe I needed to see how bad it could be to appreciate how good it really is.....there are things that could be better (always is)....but in the overall way of my life.....I absolutely love it & the wonderful people who are now in my life (I moved 2100 miles away when I left my H & all my family had died except for our daughter who didn't live there any longer either).
Sometimes it does take major changes to get rid of the old things that are bothering us especially when it's a situation.....but no we can't run & hide from what is inside....but sometimes leaving can open up who we really are & have been hiding inside & that's what has happened with me.
Still struggle regarding eating but living alone, I owe it to myself to stay as healthy as possible & not pass out because I don't eat.....& I owe it to my dogs who are my babies also. |
Thank you SO much for this, really. Now i can see that there is hope, even though i don't think there is any for me, but for someone there was, and maybe that's enough. It's beautiful how you went through all the dark places and now you're still fighting. I wish i were that strong. I still don't know if i want to fight hard or i just don't mind wasting my time because it's worthless. But if i do fight, i swear i will recover, but if i decide i'm "not ready", whatever excuses there are for me, then i don't. Now i'm just asking myself why do i write here anyway, or why do i talk to people or why do i eat, and it just doesn't make any sense. I don't want to kill myself in a way that my parents will find out from one night to the next, and ask themselves "why did it happen? Was it out fault?" even though i'm of the opinion that not even my parents would care big time, eventually they'd find it relieving. (Maybe i'm just a **** daughter) I wish i could just deal with the things that brought me here, but i just don't know, and i don't seem to be able to tell that to my psychiatrist, i lie to her all the time and i can't help it. She doesn't even know that i used to self-harm or that i have suicidal thoughts, she doesn't even know about the days that i waste thinking and drowning into nothingness. I'm just ****.
Do you think there is any motivation or hope if i'm this ****** person?
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