I am still feeling badly (mentally, better physically). I KEEP having visions of my sui. I am overwhelmed with everything from small to big but even the tiniest molehill feels like a mountain. I have been so panicked tonight that I have needed (but have not taken) another klonapin. I am afraid to tell anyone how I am feeling. I think telling someone will either make it real and set in or, the opposite, make it feel blown out of proportion and empty. I'm already drowning. ACK!

I feel like I am both too old and too young. I am now constantly worried about what people think about me to an absurd degree. I drank a little last night and there are pictures. Will people think I am not a Christian (I am a Christian)? I have gained so much weight. I can't stand how I look. I feel like people look at me and seethe, "just look at the giant sloth." I have been fit (or at least average sized) most of my life. I can't stand it. I can't keep up with modest housework and my children are not cared for to my standards. My son has his speech therapy tomorrow and I am worried about it. I don't think I have enough clean laundry for all of my children to wear. Pitiful. I am too much of an internal mess to do something about it. School starts for my kiddos again on Monday and I don't know what I am going to do I can't manage it all. I am falling apart. I just want to cry but I can't.