(WARNING: This post is quiet lengthy so I won't be offended if you don't read it all the way through).

I am looking back on my one and only real relationship from days gone by. I want to figure out what happened and what I wanted from this guy that I either got, or didn't get.

It started off online at Match.com, and we met up IRL on our first date, where we ended it with a kiss in his car, before he took me home. I know it was very risky to get into his car, and probably not the smartest move I made, but it worked out.

He seemed eager and so did I for that matter, to start a serious long term relationship. In reality, I wanted what my older brother has with his long term girlfriend. They live together in a house in Texas, and seem very happy together. I guess I was sort of jumping the gun with my wants and needs.

He was also the first guy I was with intimately, as in he took my V-card. Before I even met him on Match.com, I told myself that I would lose my virginity by the time I was 30 (I was 27 at the time). I went into that relationship with that goal in mind. My goal was accomplished abut 2 months into the relationship, which some will argue was too much too quickly. Maybe our fast and hot relationship fizzled out for some reason because it was just that, fast and hot. I don't really know.

I guess I see two different sides to any given romantic relationship. The side where the couple is physically intimate, and the side where they are socially intimate. I wanted both, of course, but the physical intimacy was more of a priority than the social intimacy. I guess it's because I've had bad experiences with social situations in the past that I sort of saw that side as being less important in my mind. A side I didn't want to fully deal with.

As a result, I didn't fully open up myself socially to him, choosing to hide my mental health issues as much as I could. I told him things that I thought would pacify his curiosity whenever I did or said anything that might have brought them to the forefront, (aka taking my meds in front of him when we went to Myrtle Beach together for a long weekend, or whenever I got moody). I went so far as to stifle the moodiness as much as I could. Choosing to only be happy, and upbeat around him, even if it was fake. Since I also get angry and frustrated easily, and erupt into a fit of pure chaos and drama, as a result, I also hid that from him too.

I now see that it drove a wedge between us, one that I don't think ever was removed. I also know now that he was engaged to me married before he met me, but called the relationship off for some reason or another. I don't know why. I have this long standing feeling that both he and I went into our relationship wanting different things, he wanting to try and forget his past love, and me wanting to finally lose my virginity and find that intimacy I so long had desired.

He claimed he felt unending guilt leaving me, and it was probably the reason he wanted to be friends with me after we broke up. I, trying to maintain the image I dutifully crafted during our relationship, told him not to feel so guilty, and we have since faded from each other's lives. He claimed he was so very busy with work, but I knew that meant he was in another relationship. I didn't dare want to confirm my suspicions by checking his relationship status, and never have. If he is married by now, which he very well might be, I don't want to be the ex girlfriend that won't go away. He obviously distanced himself from me for some reason, and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

In some way, I still have feelings for him, we did say the three most impacting words anyone can say in a relationship, "I love you", to each other. I guess he is my first love, and in some ways, that will always stick with me. However, I can for sure say I am no longer having romantic feelings for him, as our paths are now done crossing.

I now want to examine that relationship to find what faults I brought to it, to maybe see if dating is a distant possibility for me someday, and how to succeed in having a healthy relationship, versus this one, which ultimately failed.

Any ideas, insight or thoughts?