Well, that's the thing.

I've tried to date other people, but it never seems to work out. At one point I was so exasperated I just plain forsaken the act of dating all together as I felt it was all about playing mind games and such. Something I couldn't participate in as I'm in no state to handle such things.

Now, I know that a bunch of platitudes will be used at this point, and I very much appreciate the sentiment and truth behind them. It's just that when you've been told them so many times, it gets a little old and cliche. I'm more positive than I once was, and am discovering my true self now, but that only does so much when a majority of my world consists of the internet and the social interactions on it.

I'm clinically unable to drive, and sitting around staring at the same walls, floor, and computer screen from day to day get old very quickly, so I'm looking to hire a driver to be on call, so to speak, during a certain time frame each day, so that I can get out of the house and about my city. With this new driver available to me, I may finally be able to attend all the meetups I want to, so that I can find like minded people to befriend. My therapist highly recommends this as a part of expanding my world and broadening my future horizons.

I pitched the idea to my mother, but she has yet to tell me her thoughts and feelings on it. I'll press her about it tomorrow morning, along with asking her when a good time to start my online courses for becoming a vet tech.

I have big plans this year and want to make it a year of change and tremendous growth for me. I want to make the most of it as I see this year as a fresh new start for me. Maybe, just maybe, I'll relent a touch on my "no dating" rule and date someone, but they have to make their intentions clear enough to me first. If I like what I see, I'll think about it.

However, I'm not sure I'll ever be the type of person to actively go about and ask a guy out. I'm terribly hesitant to take the first step as I've done so in the past numerous times and everything just wound up blowing up in my face. I know that age old platitudes, "try, try again", "get right back on the horse once you've fallen off" and "fall down 7 times get up 8" are all well and good, and I know that if I'm still alive, I'm probably strong enough to be dealt another blow and withstand it (and I do believe that I am), when all is said and done, I'm just not going to make the first step again. I just feel it leaves me too vulnerable and open to too many dark memories, that I don't want to travel down that path.

Besides, if a guy is interested enough, he'll be the one to make the first step, right?

Now regarding, befriending a guy before attempting to date him. I don't want that to happen because if were very close friends, and advanced the relationship, it could very well end the friendship and that would be a double blow. or double loss. I'd rather make my intentions very clear at the beginning, and avoid being dealt the "double blow" all together. This is a very smart move, I think, and I will most certainly put it into action.

EDIT:

I must add that I've joined several groups on Meetup.com, as some of you may or may not now already. The first group meetup I went to, via the first group I joined, happened to be an Anime/Manga group. During the group, I found a guy and he and I seemed to get along reasonably well. As the meetup ended, and we were dispersing to the parking lot, he stopped me to ask where he had seen me before. This was the second time he had done so. The first was as we were introducing ourselves and sitting down to eat at a restaurant. What was most unusual, was that he asked if he saw me on POF, and I said that I was a member, which, at that point, it dawned on me that I remembered him too, from that dating site. He had clicked the option of wanting to meet me.

Now, would his inquiries mean anything in the way of interest? I find that I am eager to go to the next meetup as the last one I couldn't get to due to scheduling conflicts and therefor, lack of a ride. Would he be there despite me missing the last meeting? Would he even talk to me? Am I over thinking this too much?

Now, I'm going to point out at this time that he is black and I am white. Not that it makes a difference in any way whatsoever. I have crushed on a black guy before. It's all about their attitude, and the way they talk. I prefer my men to have a certain eloquence when they talk, with a broad vocabulary and not using swear words for every adjective. Not that I mean to offend, some white guys can sound pretty uneloquent and uneducated as well (especially when they are trying to act all street tough and gangster).

Okay, I'm rambling again. I'll just leave off with asking if that guy was trying to say something between the lines of what he said, or if the conversation wasn't implying anything.