Your T is watching and thinking more carefully than he's letting on. He's being respectful and treating you as an adult while judging the level of threat to your safety.

I've implied to my T that I might take some risky action, and that I have done so in the past. To her credit she doesnt bat an eyelash. She is watching for signs that I am about to do something borderline but generally trusts I'll be back in a week. It's infuriating and reassuring at the same time!

So your thoughts and feelings are understandable. Your T sounds like a good one. Stick this out and keep exploring these thoughts you have. It's hard but can get better.