I know that I'm not the only one out there that feels this way but still it doesn't make me feel any better because I'm still left with such conflicting emotions.

I am one of those people who seem to be so strong and assertive. Someone who has other things going on in her life that thinking about having a relationship isn't a priority. Its not that I'm strong, it’s because I know how fragile I am so I won't put myself in such situation to break down. Don't get me wrong if I get ask out on a date I'll take up the opportunity and have a fun time. It’s a good excuse to look my best and just put on that extra coat of mascara.

Here comes the conflicting emotion: I am so scared to be vulnerable. I could get past the first 4-6 dates and after that I'm hiding. I'm not the type of girl that wants a fling, I want an intimate relationship to be cared for and admired but I'm scared to be let down. I'm scared to be rejected. I'm scared that what I invest in will go to waste or worst of all; they come to realize that I'm too much of a handful.

I'm scared that one of these days I will end up with a mind, settling for the idea that loneliness is my way of living and I'll just have to accept it. I don't want to accept it. I see couples from all shapes, colors and backgrounds and still I don't see myself in the mix of any of it.

What is it going to take for me to overcome to say that it’s okay for me to be vulnerable again? I know that relationships is not a Cinderella Hollywood ending but I don't want every single one of them to become a story walking down Elm street. Well it’s not that dramatic but it’s the unknown that drives me crazy and it scares me away.

I don't know what are worst being alone now and the torment of nights passing by of channel flipping; my legs that haven’t been shaved in weeks because I know no other man will ever caress them, and my sweet smile that will be shyly put away or the anticipation of actually dating again and risking my heart of feeling that deep wound all over again and my sweet smile will then become such sour of pain.

The wound that I still haven't yet stitched. How do I begin to stitch a wound as I'm somehow blind because I don't even know how or where to begin? It takes years to become a heart surgeon but yet I'm no where near in medical school.