So currently I'm able to think clearly for a change and I'm trying to figure out how it all went downhill.

There has always been this state of apathy, but I remember times when I wasn't constantly feeling miserable. I was optimistic and convinced that I was doing fine. Occasionally I would realize that I was wearing blinders, and that my flaws were more problematic than I had assumed. That in reality, my life truly sucked and I was in denial. I wasn't growing up and taking responsibility. My character wasn't developing as much as it should have.

It's part of my personality: apathetic, boring, unfunny, unstable, shy, nervous, weak.
I fail to wake the **** up and face reality. I'm stuck with an underdeveloped ego that isn't ready yet. The worst demotivator is knowing that there is no joy in life, no matter what I do. It makes me want to escape this hell by not waking up anymore.

A part of me has given up, but another part wants to be able to feel joy again. Please tell me I'm wrong and that this feeling is coming back again at some point.