Brave swimmer, welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are feeling so much weighing on you. There are many other forums at PC that might be of interest.

How you spend your time is a personal choice. The thing you say about not trusting other people may make starting a deeply personal relationship difficult. But that does not say you couldn't help other people and see if that would fulfill some of the need to relate to others. Some people volunteer in their spare time, others find projects to work on.

I too feel peace when alone and try to spend periods of quiet when waking and before going to bed. It is just that that is not enough for me. I need more than that. Yoga can be learned online, exercising or walking in nature can be exhilirating. Sometimes creativity pops its head up.

Do you have a therapist you could talk to about this? Sometimes a group therapy group brings someone together with compassionate people without the commitments of a personal relationship.