Hello forum! This is my first time posting.
I'm just searching for somewhere to share what's going on in my life right now, because it's difficult to share with the people in my life.
I've been in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship for 7 years. We're married and have a 4 year old. We met young, married young, and both had troubled childhoods that means we both brought emotional baggage/dysfunctions into the relationship. It was a whirlwind, but I saw red flags all along the way. I've tried to leave him a total of 7 times now, talked to 3 different divorce attorneys on 3 different occasions, and all just to be manipulated back when he cries and tells me that he promises he's going to change. My stomach churns thinking about how easily he has controlled me, and how gullible I've been. I just keep holding out thinking things will change, that one day he'll see the light and do something different. Anyway, 2 nights ago we had an argument. It started because I approached him to talk about comments he has been making frequently lately about "Oh I'll just go kill myself" (which he says non-chalantly, like it's no big deal to say it) because I wanted to find out if he really meant them or not. I figured if he means it, I need to seek help for him and if he doesn't then it's just part of the emotional abuse and I wanted to set a boundary. and he said "Well if people in my life would just encourage me, then that would change my whole world." So I called him out on that and said that he can't just push the blame off on other people, and explained that I want to give him encouragement, but I'm literally incapable of it right now. (I've been in a 12 step group to work on my emotional dysfunctions, and I was never given encouragement/praise/any positive feedback growing up, this is an entirely foreign skill I'll have to learn) So then he got angry and started to raise his voice, so I said "We can talk about this at a later time, when we're both calm" and I left the room. I heard him yell at me through the door "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!!" and he followed me out of the room and was as scary as he usually is with these episodes. Just yelling at maximum level and his whole face changes, like eyes get glassy and all that.
He told me that I needed to find a place to stay, but I'd have to figure out something about a ride because I can't take the car because his name is on it. So I tried to call my sister, and he took the phone from me and kept from being able to get to it. We yelled for 5 minutes back and forth me saying "GIVE ME MY PHONE" and him saying "CALM DOWN" (funny coming from him) and so I finally gave up and tried to leave the room, and he grabbed both of my arms and prevented me from leaving that room. I pretended to be calm, and he let me get past the door. He of course followed me though to continue the argument, and he kept saying how he just wants to die, and I don't even act like I care, and nobody in his life cares, etc. Then he puts the phone down and walks into the bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed and he stares at the handgun that is laying out on the bookcase. Just sniffling from crying and staring. So I panic and run to get my phone on a charger because it was dead at that point, and right as I was hooking it up in another room I heard a metal click come from the bedroom (from the gun) and I scream for him, and he doesn't answer. So I run to the bedroom and he says, "What? I just unloaded it so our son can't get to it. I keep having dreams about someone getting a hold of it and there being an accident." He just looked at me like I was crazy for being scared and concerned and totally panicked. I was so scared my heartbeat was pounding in my ears.
So I went to work the next morning, and had a panic attack. So I left work early and contacted the police dept and they had me go fill out a report. So they went and picked up my husband and took him to the hospital to find out if he really was suicidal, and released him. Then he was sent to jail, where he was for 12 hours before bonding out. He has 2 charges, and that violates his probation from a DUI, so there's going to be some major repercussions. I have an order of protection, so he can't have any contact whosoever until after the court date.
Everything happened in less than 24 hours, and it's really overwhelming. Of course, from the years of abuse, I have second guessed myself the whole way. Am I overreacting? Is this unfair to him? The consequences seem so severe, and it's not like he hit me, etc.
I don't even know what to say. Just confused and exhausted and torn because I want to leave so badly, as I always have. It's almost like I don't even believe myself anymore when I say I want to leave. The urge to leave is always so strong, but I still get sucked back in.