Hello.

I won't keep y'all here for long, I'll just get right to the point: I've been diagnosed by two different MHPs with Depression (almost a year ago, but my symptoms date from 2013) and Anxiety Disorder, and am currently undergoing treatment with escitalopram 10mg, topiramate 25mg and alprazolam 2mg. I have taken before (under my psychiatrist's orders, always) clonazepam and sertraline, but they were replaced by escitalopram and alprazolam. I'm also undergoing psychotherapy for almost a year twice a month (can't do it more often).

I feel like some things got better, but some got worse. I am slightly more able to socially function but those relations are fluid. Not in a Bauman-ish way of saying, but I'm growing unattached day by day. I have close friends and a romantic interest and I hold on to them, but as days go by, I keep losing my interest on them.

Such as Amy Lee from Evanescence sings in "Lithium", I think "I want to stay in love with my sorrow." I could significantly fight depression with my 'addiction' (http://forums.psychcentral.com/addic...ion-study.html), but as I have noticed, it does not get me enough effect. It does not matter what I do: I might laugh, I might be having a good time talking with someone or even doing some other activity but it is always like there is this shadow (not literal, thank God. I'm in no mood for an exorcism) waiting to take it all away from me and it always does. And at some point, it becomes my sole companion.

You guys can possibly understand it is not unlike Stockholm's Syndrome. I am a hostage of depression, I cannot do anything against it, it tortures me, in order to protect myself, I end up growing empathy and affection for it, getting in love with my own sorrow. It's possible that some of you may think that I am depressed because I want to since I know all this. But it's different. When one's disease plays with one's emotions, sometimes reason is not enough. It is like I have lost something, this sentiment and I am looking for it up to this moment so that I can rebuild myself but I don't know where to look for, where I am, who is on my side, what it looks like now, what it will look like tomorrow. It's pure despair, to put it very lightly. Ironically, knowing all this too deeply, I can relate to people who have problems and help them effectively, though I cannot help myself at all.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this.