I have struggled with depression for...well, I cannot remember there not being a time

I come from a background where mental illness of any kind and expression of feelings in men is anathema so, in the words of a drill sergeant, I sucked it up and carried on

I am smart. Most of my friends have said this - without sounding too conceited I have at least some knowledge on just about any topic and have dived into jobs like near supreme court motions, condo management and IT with little or no training

Sounds like I am one of those successful but unsure types, right? I wish! I have been a failure at every thing I do. My depression eventually manifests in a "I have to get out of here" feeling that has me walk away from good situations.

I have no permanent job, no permanent residence, no permanent relationships of any stability

And, last year, I was involved in the permanent commitment of my mother to care (dementia, coping issues), the loss of a friend of some 20+ years (one of the few who I kept for more than 5-6 years) to cancer and more. And, weirdly, the loss of my personal demons. The inner voices that made me walk away in the past have gone silent. I am not happy for this - they at least gave me some drive. It is like even my own demons have given up on me.

The urge to purge (throw away possessions), another common effect of my depression, is surging. I find it hard not to throw away clothing in the laundry bag or get rid of my second plate!

Previous Christmas (2013) I considered and planned out a suicide. It was ready to go when a friend called me and asked if I wanted to see a movie. I almost cried. Someone wants to be associated with me!

Every time I talk to someone I cannot say much because it, more and more, sounds like I am a complete sad sack. I am almost 50 and have never had anything resembling a relationship, no career, no ... nothing

If I believed in karma, maybe I was awful in a previous life. Based on the shite raining down on me and the joke of giving me a great brain but no focus, I was someone truly horrible